We’ve all heard of the Couch to 5k beginner running program. You haven’t? Well it comes as no surprise to us here at ‘Monday’ since we do our best not to exert ourselves, to get out of our comfort zones, or to do any work at all. Couch to 5k is a running program aimed at beginners to go from not running at all to running about 3 miles (or 5 kilometers hence the 5k) in about two months.
Here at ‘Monday’ we feel the need to reverse the trend of getting fat and lazy people to get active and lose weight, so I will present the exact opposite, the 5k-to-Couch sitting program. In about four months you’ll be lounging like a pro. It won’t be easy, though. You have to force yourself to sit more and more. Like a body-builder trying to stress his muscles so they will get bigger, you have to stress your lazy muscles so you get, well, lazier.
Like, the running program, it’s easy to become impatient, and want to go to completely sitting around all the time. While this is a noble endeavor it can lead to restlessness, and the feeling that you should be doing something. So don’t skip-ahead, and if you need to you can even repeat some weeks.
Each session should only take about 20-30 minutes. Soon you’ll be sitting like a pro, and may want to go longer. The first step of course is to get up to 30 minutes of continuous lounging, and then later you can go farther and sit for whole hours watching TV, even when there’s nothing any good on! Before we get to the lounging portion of the workout we need to work back from jogging to walking, to finally walking less and less and sitting more and more.
Each week is 3 workouts. I would recommend a day rest (rest meaning you can go jogging on those days if you wish) in between each workout.
Week 1: Take a 5-minute warm-up walk. Make sure it’s a brisk warm-up. Then jog for 30 minutes or 3 miles.
Week 2: Warm-up walk, then jog for 28 minutes or 2.75 miles
Week 3: Warm-up. Jog 2.5 miles or 25 minutes.
Week 4: This is a little bit different; the first workout is steady jogging, then the second and third break-up with alternating between walking and jogging.
- Workout 1: Warm-up walk, then jog for 2.25 miles or 22 minutes with no walking.
- Workout 2: 5 minute warm-up walk, then jog 1 mile, walk .25 miles, jog 1 mile. (Jog 10 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog another 10 minutes).
- Workout 3: Warm-up walk, then jog .5 miles, walk .25 miles, jog .75 miles, walk .25 miles, and jog .5 miles. (Jog 5 minutes, walk 3 minutes, jog 8 minutes, walk 3 minutes, and jog 5 minutes.)
Week 5: Make sure you do your 5 minute warm-up walk which should be a bit swift, and then for workout 1 you’ll be jogging non-stop, and finally workout’s 2 and 3 will be broken up just like week 4.
- Workout 1: 20 minute jog.
- Workout 2: Jog .75 miles, walk .5 miles, jog .75 miles, or jog 8 minutes, walk 5 minutes, jog for another 8 minutes.
- Workout 3: Jog .5 miles, walk .25 miles, jog .5 miles, walk .25 miles, and jog .5 miles, or, jog 5, walk 3, jog 5, walk 3, jog 5 minutes.
Week 6: No steady jogging, you’re simply going to do a brisk 5-minute warm-up and then alternate between jogging and walking. For each workout this week is going to be the same, jog .25 miles, walk .125 miles, jog .5 miles, walk .25 miles, jog .25 miles, walk .125 miles, and finally jog .5 miles, or if you’re doing it by minutes it’s, jog 3 minutes, walk 1.5 minutes, jog 5 minutes, walk 2.5 minutes, jog 3 minutes, walk 1.5 minutes, and finally jog 5 minutes.
Week 7: Like week 6 only less jogging. Jog 200 yards, walk 200 yards, jog 400 yards, walk 400 yards, or 1.5, 1.5, 3, 3 minutes respectively.
Week 8: Almost there. After your 5 minute warm-up, simply jog 1.5 minutes and walk 2 minutes, alternating for a total of 20 minutes.
Now this will get you most of the way to walking… Here we take it from walking to sitting.
From week 9 to week 12 you should walk 30 minutes total. Try to start at a brisk walk, and finally slowing it down.
Starting week 13, you will gradually replace walking with sitting.
Week 13: So start by walking 2 minutes and then sitting down on the sidewalk for 1 minute, and keep alternating for about 30 minutes.
Week 14: Walk for 1 minute and sit for 1 minute alternating for 30 minutes.
Week 15: Walk for 1 minute and sit for 2 minutes alternating for 30 minutes.
Week 16: Now sit still for 30 minutes straight.
And there you go going from jogging for 30 minutes straight to sitting for 30 minutes straight. If you want to go beyond this try increasing the time you sit by 5 minutes each week until you’re doing nothing but sitting around.
And there you have the 5k-to-Couch sitting program! Congratulations you now qualify for a job here at “I’ll do it on Monday!”
So until ‘Monday’