Successful Mooching or How to Live Off Of Someone’s Couch.

Living for free is an admirable skill, at least, here at ‘Monday’ it is. This is one of the articles where I’m going to advocate meeting friends, because the more friends you have the more you can live off them without wearing out your welcome. While we here at ‘Monday’ are really anti-social in nature one good benefit of having friends is mooching off of them. Others in no particular order are meeting more women, getting more gifts, being able to have fun with the guys maybe to the point of being lazy, and being more dependent on others so you can be less independent.

So how do we successfully mooch off of our friends. For one thing having a lot as said above means not spending too much time with any one friend, so you have less of a chance of getting kicked out and wearing out your welcome, maybe even hurting the chances of staying friends with them. We don’t want that, we want more friends so we can get more free stuff. More free lunches more help ala Tom Sawyer and so on.

Pitch in for small household chores. We don’t want them thinking we’re lazy even though we actually are. So do the little things like sweeping or vacuuming. Pretend to be ‘pulling your own weight’. Or actually be pulling your own weight because you can still live for free if you’re doing chores. Since your mooching, though, and not cleaning their house for a living, don’t try too hard.

If you’re trying to mooch off your girlfriend why not create a date payment rotation plan, and then when it’s your turn to pay, make it as low cost and cheap as possible, and then when it’s her turn suggest some expensive restaurant. Make sure the expensive date is something that she wants to do, that is she may not want to do it at the time you are mooching off of her, but try to pick up on restaurants and places she wants to go that are more expensive, that way when it’s her turn to pay she will feel like it’s her idea.

Conveniently forget your cash. Even if you actually have cash (which I do not recommend since if you have cash you won’t have an excuse not to pay) forget to go get it. This way the friend or girlfriend will end up footing your bill. A better solution is not to have a job and therefore never to have money.

Hopefully you now have some good ideas on how to mooch off your friends.

Until ‘Monday’

Become more dependent, the lazy persons guide to life.

What is independence? Basically it’s freedom to do what you want. It’s becoming upwardly mobile and doing your own thing. Being independent means being able to take care of yourself should problems arise for which you can’t get help with. Being independent also take a lot of work. For instance learning to drive to be mobile, and doing things to be self-reliant. Working for money so you have the freedom to take care of yourself. Why go through all that hassle when instead you can be more dependent. Wouldn’t you rather have things taken care of for you? Food, Money, Clothing, a home?

Plan your days around someone else. If you’re going to depend on them more, you have to stick to their schedule. Being more dependent on someone else can look like selfishness because you want them to do everything so you don’t have to. It can also be an act of selflessness. If you want them to carry you on things, you have to work around them on their schedule and in their way. It also makes you look good while you’re mooching from them.

Don’t really have any finances. Working for money is a sure sign of independence. You want them to have all of the money worries but you just want to spend the money. So if you don’t have a job then you have to depend on them. If you have a job, they will expect you to pay some on the bills, but if you don’t, they won’t because you can’t. Also if you lack finances you can live with someone else a girlfriend or boyfriend or parent, so then you don’t even have to take care of rent. Having your own car is like having a money-siphon on wheels. You have to pay for gas, insurance, the car itself and forget about it if you get a ticket. You don’t need that kind of pain, so let someone else do the driving.

Let others do things for you, that you should be doing yourself. Chores at home? Tasks at work? In fact why not pretend to be inept. If you’re a guy, you don’t clean because you can’t clean. We’re naturally messy and isn’t that a good enough excuse to leave your room in a mess? If you’re still living at home tell your Mom that you’re going to pick up something quick and non-nutritious so that she will want you to have a decent meal and end up cooking for you.

Some other steps toward independence are things like going out to a restaurant and eating by yourself. It makes you feel more independent because you don’t need anyone to pay for lunch, however, it goes against this article, so I would suggest doing the opposite. Make sure when you go out to eat, you do it on someone else’s dime, like a loved one, or a friend. Living on your own really says you are independent, so always live at home, or on a friends couch or at your girlfriend’s house. Make sure you change it up too. One week living at Grandpa’s, another week at home, another, your girlfriend, your cousins, your other friends. The more people you have in your friends and family circle the better for you.

Hopefully these tips have showed you how to be more dependent. Just remember being dependent and lazy is the ‘Monday’ way so…

…Until ‘Monday’

How to fail a job interview

Okay so let’s say you’re going out for a job interview. Let’s also say you don’t really want it for one reason or another. Maybe you want to learn how to do an interview, or maybe you found out you don’t like the company. Well with these tips you certainly won’t get the job you’re interviewing for.

Don’t learn anything about the company you’re interviewing for. If they ask you anything you won’t know the answer, they’ll think you’re not really interested enough in the company to want an actual job there.

Don’t review the qualifications. If you don’t know what you’re interviewing for then why should they give you the job, you probably don’t know anything about it.

When they ask for your experience, you need to tell them you have none, whether you do or not. If you have experience they may want you, and you don’t want to get a job here, so why tell them your experience?

When they ask you why they should hire you, tell them because you thought the job was easy and that you didn’t think you would have to do much work. If it’s a female interviewing you tell her you thought it would be a good place to pick up women.

When they ask about your strengths and weaknesses, tell them you have no weaknesses and the only strength you have is that you are awesome.

Don’t practice interviews with friends or family, so you won’t be prepared by what questions anyone asks. When you’re unprepared that’s a good sign that you don’t really want the job anyways otherwise you would be completely prepared.

Don’t be well groomed. Dress rather haphazardly. Don’t comb your hair or brush your teeth; maybe don’t even shower for a day. When they get a whiff of you they’ll be trying to get you out the door as soon as possible.

Chew gum or smoke. Smack that gum real loudly, or blow bubbles till they pop in non-bubble gum. Try to look cool when smoking, because they’ll think you’re a total moron.

Be late to your interview. If you’re late to the interview, chances are you’ll be late to work every day, so if you’re late then they won’t want to hire you.

Be rude, kind of lazy, and use slang whenever possible. You don’t want them to hire you so act appropriately.

Ask about salary and benefits up front, and then even if it’s good, act like it’s not enough.

There are much more things you can do to trip up an interview, but maybe I’ll write another article on it later.

Until ‘Monday’