How to ruin a first date.

So you were set up on a blind date by your friend, and she looks like she went a few rounds with the ugly stick. You don’t want to be rude and just not show up, that’s not good for your reputation. You also don’t want to offend your friend (unless he did this as a prank). So what do you do? You want to be a total gentleman but you want to end the date as quick as possible, so here I present a few tips on how to ruin your first date so she doesn’t even want you to call.

Show up with no plan of action and act like you don’t care. A lot of women like to be chased, so it’s usually up to the man to know what he wants to do for the date, because usually he’s the one asking. Blind dates are a bit harder because chances are some things are already set up by the friends. You can still pretend not to know what to do. A wishy-washy guy will make a woman feel like he didn’t really want to go on the date in the first place or that he has a self-confidence problem.

Don’t show up dressed up. While I would recommend showering because of other people in the vicinity, don’t be particularly worried about grooming. Dress casual, especially if it’s a classy place where normally you would show up a bit dressed up. Wear a hat before the date when you first hear about it. That way by the evening you’ll have that dreaded hat hair.

Be ‘fashionably late’. That is not too late so that she thinks you stood her up, but late enough to let her know that you have better things to do. On a good first date you would probably show up on time and maybe a little earlier, sort of like a good interview. In fact maybe you should read “How to Fail an Interview” to give you a good idea on what to do on a first date.

Don’t compliment her at all. If you do then she feels good about herself and possibly wants to continue to date you. You don’t want to send her mixed signals, although maybe in some cases mixed signals might ruin the first date, but it’s probably better just to not do it at all. Also don’t open doors for her or pull out her chair for her, this is old fashioned chivalry which might get you a second date and you don’t want that.

Don’t have anything to say. First dates are usually to get to know someone, and usually this is done by talking. If you don’t have anything to say then the date will feel like you guys have nothing in common since you’re not conversing about anything. Inversely she may feel that you have too much in common and that you don’t have opposing view points if you don’t say anything. Remember opposites attract, so the more you are similar to her in viewpoints, the less opposite she may feel and would rather not have another date with you.

Go to the movies. Especially guy ones, like action movies with little-to-no romance. If you’re watching the movie chances are you won’t be talking to your date. It’s a rather pleasurable way to spend a date you don’t want to be on, because you don’t even have to look at your date, just enjoy the show.

While I don’t advise making her pay, that would just be rude (unless you’re trying to be rude, in which case read my article about being rude to people). Instead just say you only have enough money for yourself and would she mind going ‘Dutch’. This way you won’t look like a total jerk, you don’t endear your date to you, and you don’t have to pay for the whole date! It’s a win/win scenario, except not to her.

When you walk her to the door, kiss her, and then ask if you can come in. Make her feel as though that’s really all you were on the date for is to get invited in, so she thinks you’re a sleaze. You definitely won’t be getting that second date now!

Don’t call her after the date, perhaps she’ll take the hint if she hasn’t already!

If you follow these tips, you’re sure to ruin your first date.

Until ‘Monday’

7 Ways to Slow Down Your Friend’s Computer!

Your friend has just bought himself a brand spanking new top of the line computer, and you’re jealous because all you have is a 2-year-old machine that’s not playing your games at a good frame rate. You don’t have any money, and your parents won’t buy you a new computer. So what’s the next best thing to a new computer? Slowing down your friend’s new computer. That’s right; it’s no fair that he worked hard to save up his money to build himself a state-of-the-art machine. If he was a real friend he would have bought you a computer too.

So how do we go about slowing down his computer?

  1. Install as many programs as possible, especially programs he won’t need. The more disk space is used up the better. I read somewhere that for a computer to run optimally you need about 20% free, however, since we’re doing the exact opposite, have less than 20% free.
  2. Hide or uninstall any disk cleanup programs. CCleaner, Defragmenters, registry cleaners, and the like. If he can’t cleanup his hard disk then that can lead to a slower computer. Especially if it has to load a lot of programs.
  3. If you don’t wish to install a lot of programs at least, copy really huge files to the hard drive. Delete them and then copy more large files, also move file locations around. See usually when we delete files, it’s not really deleted they’re just marked for deletion. With repeated copying, moving, and deleting sometimes there are file fragments left behind, this eventually starts mucking with how fast the hard drive can be accessed
  4. Make sure you don’t update the drivers or his OS system files. Updates are usually meant to make a computer faster or fix some bug. If you don’t have the latest updates then the computer can’t run optimally.
  5. Under clock his CPU and graphics card. Over clocking has been a favorite pastime of geeks everywhere. Basically changing voltages and setting clock multipliers to make the computer run faster than it’s rated at. So if you can do it, try to turn the settings down, so that it runs even SLOWER than it’s supposed to normally. Although take heed you don’t kill his computer entirely, sometimes if it’s too slow it can’t do certain operations and has problems. Remember the object is to slow down his computer, not stop him from using it.
  6. Secretly downgrade his operating system. Most newer operating systems are built to use the newest stuff to be the fastest. If you’re using an older operating system you can’t use all the newest features of the current hardware.
  7. Make sure all visual effects for your operating system are turned on. Animations and effects really slow down your computer, so if you’re trying to slow down his, try to get the OS to do as much cool stuff as it can.

If you use these 7 tips you’re likely to slow down his computer and you can then laugh at him for having a slower computer than you. Even better is the fact that his new computer which should be faster actually isn’t.

Until ‘Monday’

How to fail a job interview

Okay so let’s say you’re going out for a job interview. Let’s also say you don’t really want it for one reason or another. Maybe you want to learn how to do an interview, or maybe you found out you don’t like the company. Well with these tips you certainly won’t get the job you’re interviewing for.

Don’t learn anything about the company you’re interviewing for. If they ask you anything you won’t know the answer, they’ll think you’re not really interested enough in the company to want an actual job there.

Don’t review the qualifications. If you don’t know what you’re interviewing for then why should they give you the job, you probably don’t know anything about it.

When they ask for your experience, you need to tell them you have none, whether you do or not. If you have experience they may want you, and you don’t want to get a job here, so why tell them your experience?

When they ask you why they should hire you, tell them because you thought the job was easy and that you didn’t think you would have to do much work. If it’s a female interviewing you tell her you thought it would be a good place to pick up women.

When they ask about your strengths and weaknesses, tell them you have no weaknesses and the only strength you have is that you are awesome.

Don’t practice interviews with friends or family, so you won’t be prepared by what questions anyone asks. When you’re unprepared that’s a good sign that you don’t really want the job anyways otherwise you would be completely prepared.

Don’t be well groomed. Dress rather haphazardly. Don’t comb your hair or brush your teeth; maybe don’t even shower for a day. When they get a whiff of you they’ll be trying to get you out the door as soon as possible.

Chew gum or smoke. Smack that gum real loudly, or blow bubbles till they pop in non-bubble gum. Try to look cool when smoking, because they’ll think you’re a total moron.

Be late to your interview. If you’re late to the interview, chances are you’ll be late to work every day, so if you’re late then they won’t want to hire you.

Be rude, kind of lazy, and use slang whenever possible. You don’t want them to hire you so act appropriately.

Ask about salary and benefits up front, and then even if it’s good, act like it’s not enough.

There are much more things you can do to trip up an interview, but maybe I’ll write another article on it later.

Until ‘Monday’