10 Pick up lines that may get you slapped.

Here are some pick up lines that are funny enough they might get you slapped.

1) What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

2) I know its not Christmas, but Santa’s lap is always ready.

3) Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice.

4) You got something on your chest: my eyes

5) Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

6) Was your Dad a baker? Because you’ve got a nice set of buns.

7) I hear your body is made up of 75% water, man am I thirsty!

8) My love for you is like diarrhea; I can’t hold it in.

9) You’re so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.

10) I just ate some skittles. Do you want to taste the rainbow?

Until ‘Monday’

Shut Down Your Self-Confidence

Shut down your self-confidence or how to be a Nervous Nellie.

What is self-confidence in the first place? It’s the ability to be sure of your own thoughts and decisions and to know deep down that they are right; or at least right to you at the time. It means not obsessing over whether or not you did the right thing, but instead made a decision. We don’t want that here. In fact we don’t want to do anything here at ‘Monday’. Instead we want to shut down that inner voice that says “You’ve got this” and replace it with “What are you doing?”

So how do we zap any potential or real self-confidence we may have? One way is to never be prepared. Being prepared we have more reasons to just act. We have more confidence that we’re ready. You don’t want to be ready; you want to shake that self-confidence up.

Never be independent. In fact read my article on How to Be More Dependent. If you’re independent then when problems happen they will affect you less, and you will have more options and you won’t ever be totally dependent on someone who might be in the trouble with you. If you’re dependent then your confidence can get shake easier as more people may be involved

Don’t be an over-achiever; in fact don’t be an achiever at all. If you gain your goals then you gain more self-confidence about your decisions. You then want to achieve more and again gain more self-confidence. It turns into a vicious cycle. Instead try not to do anything, win anything, or accomplish any goals

Fear everything! Fear sucks out self-confidence like someone sucks rattle snake poison out of a wound. In fact read my article on being afraid! Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of snakes, and fear of pickles. You can’t be confident when you’re afraid of stuff.

Base your behavior on what others think. I’m not talking about shooting down self-esteem although that might be the subject for another article. I’m talking about judging your decisions based on whether they criticize you for them. That’s a real self-confidence killer right there.

Don’t take any risks. Because risks imply a certain danger. If you don’t take any risks you might not make any winning decisions in which case you won’t gain any self-confidence when you don’t take risks. As simple as that, play it safe!

Okay let’s put in a number 7 for completeness — Don’t take any actions, or wooden nickels for that matter. If you take no action then decisions come and go and your self-confidence goes down because you didn’t make a decision, it just stood there breeding your fear.

Okay well I hope this showed you how to get rid of that self-confidence stuff everyone keeps talking about. Of course you will never get the girl if you don’t have it, but we don’t really care about that do we?

Until ‘Monday’

Hurt The Ones You Love By Telling Them The Truth.

Lies can be a real problem. You tell one lie, and sometimes it leads to another and another until things come crashing down on you. For instance, if you lie about an affair, and then you get into the habit of lying eventually it will catch up to you. Lies are usually related to something bad we did to someone that we really don’t want them to know about. On the other hand some lies can be said to protect ones we love.

For instance telling someone his son died like a hero, when in truth he was running away from the enemy and ended up getting shot in the back. Or to protect some dark secret of the past, like your mother was a serial killer but now she’s dead, so maybe they don’t want to tell you that they found out your mother was a serial killer.

Also by the same token the truth could set your mind at rest, maybe you’re great grandfather didn’t turn tail and run at the Battle of Bull Run. Your Great Uncle on your Mother’s side was really a war hero because instead of running away like they thought he did he went to some location in France to save a nun and some orphans. Truth can also be used to hurt people. For instance your brother’s affair with your cousin’s second wife. I think the truth can be used to great effect as a weapon.

Did your Aunt gift you 100k to start a business and then turn around and get a lawyer to make you pay back the “loan”? Tell everyone she was cheating on your Uncle with her tennis instructor. Girlfriend decided to cheat on you? Tell her the $1500 rock you had bought to propose to her went to one of your ex’s. Did your brother tell everyone you cry during chick-flicks? Tell them how you caught him so drunk that he was in his underwear with pantyhose over his face and head and was crowing like a rooster.

See the truth can set you free, or rather it can really hurt the ones you love. Tell your sister how fat she is because she keeps stuffing her face with doughnuts. Or your cousin how much of a nerd he is and that’s the reason he’ll never date anything remotely female. This may all be true but still hurt your friends and family.

If there’s a truth to be told, you’re obligated to tell that truth no matter how scathing. That’s how we roll here at ‘Monday’. So stop reading you four-eyed freak and go get some real friends instead of chatting in IRC! Oh I guess I better take that suggestion myself.

Until ‘Monday’