Category Archives: Social Disfunction

by admin

5 Ways to Start Forest Fires

There are many reasons people start forest fires. Maybe yours is that you wanted to get warm? Or maybe you’re mad at the park ranger for stealing all of your pik-a-nik baskets? The Sherriff of Nottingham caught you poaching deer in the King’s Private Reserve? A pox on that sheriff and Prince John! Bring back Richard the Lion Heart or I burn down ye olde forest! Maybe you were lonely and thought angry firemen were better than nothing at all?

Disclaimer: Don’t start fires. You have been disclaimed.

In any case here are five ways to start forest fires:

  1. Let’s see, smoking. Go read my article on starting smoking using nicotine replacement options. This will get you well on your way, and you can conveniently “lose” the cigarette deep in the forest. Before you know it wildlife is threatened, and half the forest is burned down before they even know it was you who set it. No matter if you will end up going to jail when they match the cigarette butt to your particular brand of filtered cigarettes.
  2. Another one might be attributed to not properly putting out your campfire. When wind blows sparks to combustible vegetation that will sometimes cause a forest fire. Place combustible materials like gas close to campfires so you can easily start a forest fire if you need to.
  3. Let’s see. A careless match could start a forest fire. Simply light it and casually fling it into the forest, and boom you got instant forest fire! Sparks from faulty equipment say, a generator?
  4. What about deliberate fire starting. That’s right arson has its place too. Well not in any normal, legal, and ethical society. I’m just saying, if you want to start a fire directly you can just do it. Light a match fling it in the forest. Light a piece of wood, tie it to a cat’s tail and watch it run away screaming through the forest, you’ll have a nice blaze in no time.
  5. Of course you may bring the park rangers down on your head or the police, fire crews, and any number of authoritative figures down on your head. Do you want to face death or a prison sentence? Then starting a fire is for you!

I hope you’ve learned a little about starting forest fires.

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

Learn To Be Afraid, Very, Very Afraid.

Learn to be afraid, very, very afraid, or why staying in your comfort zone is a good thing.

I know people tell you to step outside your comfort zone, and that the only thing you have to fear is fear itself, but there is a reason it’s called a ‘comfort zone’ which is because you are comfortable there. You have everything to fear except fear itself. Fear is the emotion and everything else is the cause of the fear.

For instance lions, and tigers, and bears, oh my. I mean wild animals they could tear you shreds or gore you with their antlers or stampede you with their hooves. Spiders, because they’re poisonous and the fact that they’re pretty dang small makes them all the more frightening. So much so that they’re dead if they ever step foot into my house.

If you’re afraid of heights then the safest place to be is on the ground. It doesn’t matter if you’re on a completely earthquake ready building. If you’re high in the air you could fall to your death. Basically anything that could end in death should be feared. Let’s take a look at more things to be afraid of.

Knives and sharp instruments. Sure you need to cut a steak or other piece of meat. But think about the meat of your flesh as you accidentally slice into a finger. I’m sorry I don’t want to cut myself so I’m afraid of using knives. Cars and just about any vehicle are just rolling coffins. I don’t want to get into any accident so I’m afraid of getting into any vehicles.

I’m afraid of food poisoning so I don’t go out to restaurants. People, because they can be irate and literally tear our head off. Water for fear of drowning. There are many more things to be afraid of, so why on Earth would I want to leave my room?

In order to stay completely safe how do we stay afraid enough not to try new things? First don’t try to analyze it. Fears are irrational anyway, so analyzing it means putting it into a rational context which will slowly desensitize yourself to the fear.

For instance if you’re afraid of talking to people you could start by talking to friends you know, and gradually to people you know less and finally to complete strangers. So you don’t really want to do anything that desensitizes you to the fear. Just walk away and don’t look anyone in the eye.

Don’t confront your fears. If you get scared then you get a surge of adrenaline, and if you keep doing this you’ll eventually just overcome it outright. So don’t attempt to desensitize yourself and at the same time don’t confront your fear as this might help you overcome it all at once.

Eighty percent of the fear is actually in your mind. So to keep yourself safe you want to keep those little negative thoughts constantly in your mind. Don’t try to change it for the positive and don’t try to stop thinking about it. Meditate upon the fear and the fear will grow even larger. This will keep you from stepping outside of your comfort zone and will keep you safe and sound.

Hopefully this has given you some food for thought. The next time you feel like overcoming a ‘fear’, realize that fear is what keeps you safe. Of course it may be the most boring way to live but we’re not interested in what’s exciting, just what’s safe.

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

Successful Mooching or How to Live Off Of Someone’s Couch.

Living for free is an admirable skill, at least, here at ‘Monday’ it is. This is one of the articles where I’m going to advocate meeting friends, because the more friends you have the more you can live off them without wearing out your welcome. While we here at ‘Monday’ are really anti-social in nature one good benefit of having friends is mooching off of them. Others in no particular order are meeting more women, getting more gifts, being able to have fun with the guys maybe to the point of being lazy, and being more dependent on others so you can be less independent.

So how do we successfully mooch off of our friends. For one thing having a lot as said above means not spending too much time with any one friend, so you have less of a chance of getting kicked out and wearing out your welcome, maybe even hurting the chances of staying friends with them. We don’t want that, we want more friends so we can get more free stuff. More free lunches more help ala Tom Sawyer and so on.

Pitch in for small household chores. We don’t want them thinking we’re lazy even though we actually are. So do the little things like sweeping or vacuuming. Pretend to be ‘pulling your own weight’. Or actually be pulling your own weight because you can still live for free if you’re doing chores. Since your mooching, though, and not cleaning their house for a living, don’t try too hard.

If you’re trying to mooch off your girlfriend why not create a date payment rotation plan, and then when it’s your turn to pay, make it as low cost and cheap as possible, and then when it’s her turn suggest some expensive restaurant. Make sure the expensive date is something that she wants to do, that is she may not want to do it at the time you are mooching off of her, but try to pick up on restaurants and places she wants to go that are more expensive, that way when it’s her turn to pay she will feel like it’s her idea.

Conveniently forget your cash. Even if you actually have cash (which I do not recommend since if you have cash you won’t have an excuse not to pay) forget to go get it. This way the friend or girlfriend will end up footing your bill. A better solution is not to have a job and therefore never to have money.

Hopefully you now have some good ideas on how to mooch off your friends.

Until ‘Monday’