How to be unproductive by writing blog posts

We’ve all read them. They’re squished into every corner of the internet; a vast wealth of opinion, hearsay, and ‘bro-science’; Rants and raves, top ten lists, and tip repositories on every subject in the alphabet from A to Z. What am I talking about? That’s right web logs or “blogs” as the ‘intern3tz’ calls them. They waste peoples time to read and, more often as not, to write. That’s what we love about them here on ‘Monday’. Anything that can help you lead wasteful unproductive lives is what we love here. They tend to mask themselves as digital journalism, but don’t let that fool you. They’re around for one purpose and one purpose only: to make money. The only way they do that is if you waste your time to make them money. Here at ‘Monday’ we applaud activities such as this.

There are some people out there that really do state the truth and really do report the news on their blogs, but we don’t care about them. News and truth aren’t really virtues here on ‘Monday’. Not to say we don’t care about truth here, however, finding the truth entails real work, and journalistic integrity which we don’t have here at ‘Monday’. What I will show you here are ways in which you can waste your time writing blog posts to help others waste their time reading. We won’t go into setting up a blog, as that takes too much work and really I would rather be doing something else. You can probably find out how to start a blog by doing a search. (In fact searches will be explored in future articles as a fun way to waste time.)

First you need a topic. Pick a topic, any topic, or better yet, make up a topic. Part of the fun of blog posts, especially those designed to waste time, is being able to make stuff up. You could talk about the underground flora and fauna of Mars and you would be totally legitimate. We don’t know what’s underneath Mars surface (and what with NASA disbanded, we may never know thereby letting us say whatever the heck we want). We could write stories, that since we can’t get published because we’re not any good, we can self publish via a web log. Whatever topic you pick, make sure it’s not of use to anyone anywhere, or they may become productive with it, or at the very least, learn something, and that would never do.

Now that we have our topic, let’s start writing. I advocate two approaches but one must take care that one isn’t being productive about it, they each have their risks. The first one is just writing first and revising later. The risk as that you’ll actually revise it later. You don’t want to revise later because that is productive. Instead you want to just write without any facts or background to back it up. Of course you can also start searching for some background on what you just write to fix it later, but remember just that, later, you don’t want to fix it right away. You want to spend the time searching and then get sidetracked on the latest fashion or movie box office receipts.

The other approach is to make sure everything is perfect from the get go. Perfectionism is a GREAT way to waste time and be unproductive. In this case you might want to waste your time searching and getting sidetracked. Google several pages, open them in tabs, read them until it’s time to go to bed and maybe follow a tangent or two off of Wikipedia. Then when the next day rolls around you can try to be perfect and put every little thing you searched for in your post. Be sure to use long and drawn out explanations, so that we don’t have to do any real work either, just read your post until we realized it’s past dinner time. Make sure your grammar and spelling are exact, make sure it’s says everything you want to say and in exactly the way you want to say it.

Before you know it, your parents have grounded you, your spouse has put you on the couch for the night, and your boss will fire you. Follow this article and before you know it, you won’t have produced anything meaningful.

Until ‘Monday’

Getting nothing done.

Here instead of getting things done, we here at ‘Monday’ want to get nothing done and to be lazy. This is our only goal in life. Take what you can, give nothing back. Well at least that’s what Jack Sparrow and Mr. Gibbs says. Here at ‘Monday’ we live by that statement whole-heartedly.

First tip, never read Getting Things Done by David Allen. It’s all about getting organized, getting your tasks and project and stuff out of your head and onto paper. It’s about doing task lists and more. I’ve actually read it, and have to say that if you follow it you WOULD get things done, but since we don’t want to get anything done I’d say step away from that bookshelf!

Try to focus on long periods of time for work, and don’t work in short bursts. Getting tired means not getting things done because you can’t think straight anymore. If it can be performed in less than 2 minutes, do it later, because it’s so short it’s not important enough to do now.

Don’t make things simple. Make them as complex as you can. Try to do everything at once, and have a billion lists for everything. Don’t have an inbox where you put stuff even things you need to write down on paper. Instead have a bunch of boxes of all kinds of stuff. Soon you’ll be pushing paper like a pro and getting so inundated with work that you just aren’t going to get that many things done.

Never put anything in to actionable items. Like that less than 2 minutes rule, these are actionable items. Things you can do in less than two minutes. Don’t let your projects get to the stage of being broken down into enough tasks that you can actually do them. Get nothing done, not getting things done.

Think high tech, and don’t do anything unless you can use a software program to do it. Don’t even do anything unless you can turn on your computer. Keeping to low-tech tools like pencil and paper might actually help you get things done faster because of their simple nature, can be carried anywhere and can work almost immediately. So the higher tech and the more software you have to learn the better.

Hopefully this will help you not get anything done. If you do get anything done go stand in the corner until your work piles up again. Do nothing, be nothing.

Until ‘Monday’

Become more dependent, the lazy persons guide to life.

What is independence? Basically it’s freedom to do what you want. It’s becoming upwardly mobile and doing your own thing. Being independent means being able to take care of yourself should problems arise for which you can’t get help with. Being independent also take a lot of work. For instance learning to drive to be mobile, and doing things to be self-reliant. Working for money so you have the freedom to take care of yourself. Why go through all that hassle when instead you can be more dependent. Wouldn’t you rather have things taken care of for you? Food, Money, Clothing, a home?

Plan your days around someone else. If you’re going to depend on them more, you have to stick to their schedule. Being more dependent on someone else can look like selfishness because you want them to do everything so you don’t have to. It can also be an act of selflessness. If you want them to carry you on things, you have to work around them on their schedule and in their way. It also makes you look good while you’re mooching from them.

Don’t really have any finances. Working for money is a sure sign of independence. You want them to have all of the money worries but you just want to spend the money. So if you don’t have a job then you have to depend on them. If you have a job, they will expect you to pay some on the bills, but if you don’t, they won’t because you can’t. Also if you lack finances you can live with someone else a girlfriend or boyfriend or parent, so then you don’t even have to take care of rent. Having your own car is like having a money-siphon on wheels. You have to pay for gas, insurance, the car itself and forget about it if you get a ticket. You don’t need that kind of pain, so let someone else do the driving.

Let others do things for you, that you should be doing yourself. Chores at home? Tasks at work? In fact why not pretend to be inept. If you’re a guy, you don’t clean because you can’t clean. We’re naturally messy and isn’t that a good enough excuse to leave your room in a mess? If you’re still living at home tell your Mom that you’re going to pick up something quick and non-nutritious so that she will want you to have a decent meal and end up cooking for you.

Some other steps toward independence are things like going out to a restaurant and eating by yourself. It makes you feel more independent because you don’t need anyone to pay for lunch, however, it goes against this article, so I would suggest doing the opposite. Make sure when you go out to eat, you do it on someone else’s dime, like a loved one, or a friend. Living on your own really says you are independent, so always live at home, or on a friends couch or at your girlfriend’s house. Make sure you change it up too. One week living at Grandpa’s, another week at home, another, your girlfriend, your cousins, your other friends. The more people you have in your friends and family circle the better for you.

Hopefully these tips have showed you how to be more dependent. Just remember being dependent and lazy is the ‘Monday’ way so…

…Until ‘Monday’