by admin

How to get fat fast!

So you want to feel what it’s like to be a whale. Or maybe you want your butt to have it’s own zip code. Maybe you want to experience what it’s like to be a glutton but there’s a lot of ways to gain weight. Sure, you can drink a lot of whole milk, but it has calcium; it has protein; it’s actually healthy for you. Eat lots of beef and it’s a lot of calories but it’s also a lot of protein. Protein can make you gain muscle. Fresh fruits contain a lot of fructose which is basically fruit sugar, but it also gives you vitamins like C, and the B’s. This isn’t normal weight gain you’re looking for. You’re looking for how to get fat FAST!

While it doesn’t look like a particularly quick method to get fat, sitting around or ‘the sedentary lifestyle’ means you’re not burning calories, and it adds up right quick. Don’t just sit around. *SIT AROUND*. Try to move as little as possible. Every little movement counts when it comes to burning calories. If you have to order something, do it with the phone or online. If you want to take a shower keep some baby wipes around you and just scrub your pits every once in a while. Just enough not to stink. Do everything by computer and TV. In fact use your computer in front of your TV.

Your body burns calories with extremities of hot and cold, however, if you’re hot you don’t really feel like working out because you’re already sweating. This alone won’t burn as much calories though as being cold and having to warm yourself up. What you want though instead of even being so hot you don’t exercise, is having the perfect temperature. Have a air-conditioner or heater and make sure your temp is in the “Goldilocks Zone” in other words not too hot and not too cold but just right. This will stop burning calories like nobody’s business.

Okay so let’s talk about food and drink. You want to consume massive liquid calories in the form of sodas and the like. Liquid calories is like liquid gold to the person wanting to get fat fast especially if the liquid gold is beer. Because it’s what it looks like, sort of golden well like some other golden liquids but we’ll just leave that to your imagination. What’s funny is it doesn’t even feel like getting fat. You will have to keep in mind that frequent trips to the bathroom may mitigate this to an extent. Any liquid refreshment that has high fructose corn syrup is what YOU want to drink. Basically it’s already broken down into a form your body can easily absorb. Other drinks you can use to get fat fast are, surprise-surprise, fruit juice! They put sugar in it, and it’s calories are almost as much as a soda if not more so. Iced Tea is a favorite because you have to put in tons of sugar to get it to taste good.

How about white refined bread? Or Doughnuts. Did you know the average doughnut has about 200 calories, but did you also know a decent orange has about the same amount of calories. Now if it were me, and I were you, and we were getting fat, I’d have to go with the doughnut. Not just because it’s the tastier of the two but you can have filled doughnuts, iced doughnuts, doughnuts dipped in chocolate, with sprinkles and heck you could combine all of those. Guess what, they’re not as nutritionally dense as oranges are, so that makes it better for fat making. Want to look like you’re having a baby even when you’re a man? Doughnuts.

Now we all know about pastas how they’re a lot of carbs especially white carbs, but in reality they’re not really that high in calories by their lonesome. What really makes you fat is fat. WHAT?!? You cry, how is that possible, fat making people fat. It’s true, take butter, whole milk, and cheese put them together with white pasta and you have a fat making machine. A nice plate of Fettuccini Alfredo will run you about 1500 calories give or take. That’s as many calories as some people do in their diets in the whole day. Of course there’s also the obvious things candy bars, cookies. Basically anything that doesn’t have a lot of nutrients and/or vitamins will pack on the pounds. We’re not talking pounds of muscle from protein, but we’re talking about fat.

Now let’s talk about a few non-perishable things that we can use to make us fat. Sleep. You need somewhere in the neighborhood of about 7-9 hours of sleep. If you get your sleep disrupted, this can screw up certain chemical processes in your body, thereby not burning calories as well as if you have a good nights rest. So my suggestion is of course to get as little sleep as you can possibly manage. While I’m not recommending missing sleep enough to cause hallucinations (although that would be wicked cool), I am recommending going to bed late and getting up early. You don’t want your body in tip-top shape in order to burn more calories.

Let’s also talk about stress. Here at ‘Monday’ we advocate a stress-free lifestyle, because anything that induces stress is probably work related. However in this case being that you want to become a tub’o’lard you might want more stress in your life. Basically stress increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is, well, I don’t know something to do with stress that makes you fat. I’m too lazy to look it up now, so why don’t you Google it. So when you have stresses like too many deadlines, too many people who want too much of your time, and so on, your cortisol levels go up and you get fat. (There’s something about triggering your body to transfer sugar from the liver and muscles into the bloodstream causing insulin levels to rise causing you to hold on to stubborn body fat, yada yada yada.)

Well I hope you’ve learned something here. I sure have. Getting fat is no easy task but with the right quantities of sleep deprivation, stress, non-nutritive foods, and not moving, you can get fat in no time!

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

The top 5 reasons to blow your wad.

And by wad I mean money. You know. A wad of cash. Let’s say you just got your tax refund, or Grandma just sent you a check. Sure you could save it, or spend it on something you need like bills, or groceries or a car payment, but what fun is that? You want to spend your money as fast as you got it. It’s literally burning a hole through your pocket as we speak.

So what are the 5 reasons you want to drop all that cash?

1) You’re trying to impress a girl. Nothing says I love you more than flowers, or candy, or diamonds. Especially diamonds. You’re telling her that, yes this is a big stash of cash, and yes I want to buy your love.

2) Pizzas don’t eat themselves. That’s right, in the U.S. there are hundreds of pizzas being made, and you could be eating as many as you can stuff into that fat face of yours. They’re there to be eaten. Yummy pizza crust (I don’t understand why some people won’t finish their pizza crust, arguably the best part of the pizza), melty mozzarella, enough garlic to kill an elephant if you were to breathe on it. It’s one of the most versatile foods on the planet. If you spend money on a lot of pizzas then you can have a party, and that brings us to reason 3.

3) You want to party. It’s especially great because you can incorporate the first two reasons pizza and girls with partying. But with parties comes the bucks. The music, the location, the beer, the hotties, the bare-knuckle brawls, and the illegal street racing!

4) Travel. Pure and simple, you want to see the world. Paris, Rome, The Alps (of many countries). Of course this gets dangerously close to spending money on something that’s worthwhile, as you can make new friends, learn new languages, and have new experiences, but may be still qualified as blowing your money.

5) Toys. Since I’m a man that writes this, as males we never seem to outgrow toys. They just get a bit more sophisticated. Home theatre systems, gaming computers, game consoles, remote control cars. Gotta love the toys. Even Legos are still fun and you can waste a lot of money playing with Legos as adults.

I could probably think of more, but maybe I’ll leave those for another day, and I don’t want to do too much work. Since “I’ll do it on Monday” is more about getting worse and worse, not better and better.

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

How to get to smoking tobacco-based cigarettes in 3 easy steps.

I’ve got to hand it to the anti-tobacco lobby. They have single-handedly created a whole industry all for pointing out the effects of smoking tobacco products. I want to say up front I do not endorse smoking in any way, shape, or form. In fact I don’t even have first hand experience of nicotine addiction. I’m just saying because of all the products on the market today to help you supposedly “stop” smoking instead it’s creating a great way to step up to full time tobacco cigarette smoking. Warning: Following these steps may lead to risk of some types of cancers not to mention bad breath, yellow teeth (well I get that from coffee anyways), smell on clothes, loss of a significant amount of money (if you smoke a lot), and increasing expulsion from bars and taverns as they seem to be driving out the smoker more and more every day. For the record this is called nicotine replacement therapy.

Step 1: Nicotine Patch. The first step would be to start with the patch. This is simply because you can forget about it for a while after you put it on. Plus it may go into your bloodstream quicker with a trans-dermal patch. My first thought was to place this second and nicotine gum first because chewing gum is usually enjoyable, however since you have to actually put the gum in your mouth and chew it for any length of time I felt that using the patch would be the easier option since all you have to do is put it on and sort of ‘set it and forget it’. (Of course it’s really not that much easier putting on a patch verses popping gum into the mouth but if you want to just have your nicotine without any conscious effort this would be the option to pick first.) If you’ve never smoked before or somehow ingested nicotine, you may feel sick.

Step 2: Nicotine Gum. Modern chewing gum has been around for over a hundred years, and various forms have been around for about 5000 years. Apparently American Indians would chew the resin of spruce tree sap which was then picked up by New England settlers until 1848 when John B. Curtis developed and sold the first commercial chewing gum. Since we’ve been chewing on things for thousands of years and smokers would often chew gum to keep their mouth busy while quitting cigarette smoking, it was only a matter of time before they started putting nicotine into gum to make quitting smoking a little more enjoyable. So now you want to graduate to gum chewing. While gum chewing is more enjoyable than wearing a patch on your skin, it’s not really any better at getting you addicted to nicotine. So really if you wanted you could swap these steps.

I’d like to speak a little bit about lozenges and sprays. These are more or less similar to the gum. Since an inhaler or a spray would have something in common with electronic cigarettes I’m simply going to talk about e-cigarettes down below. Also chewing tobacco is completely different method of getting nicotine than from smoking. It doesn’t necessarily fit anywhere. Like does it go in between the patch and the gum since there’s chewing involved. Or would it fit between the e-cig and the real cig? My guess is, if you go down this route, once you’re smoking real cigarettes you can transition to chewing tobacco which actually can give you mouth cancer and is a really nasty habit, (I despise chewers and spitting) but for the sake of this article it is worth noting.

Step 3: Electronic cigarettes. What’s better than smoking real cigarettes that stink and make people cough and stuff? Smoking fake cigarettes. Why? Because you don’t get a lot of the bad effects that you can with the other products. I’m not saying they’re good for you, I’m simply saying that since they don’t have all the chemicals to keep them burning and they only release water vapor, you’re not stinking up the place, they’re not necessarily making your teeth yellow, etc. What’s not to like? Okay granted by now you’re probably pretty well addicted to nicotine, you may want to skip this step, because you may want all kinds of cancers, and stinky breath, and yellow teeth, and what not. But if you don’t the next step would be of course the E-cig.

This brings us to the final step. Which is not really a step I guess since it’s the end result we’ve all been waiting for. That’s right smoking tobacco-filled cigarettes. Well here you are, are you proud of yourself? Risking others via second-hand smoke. Driving off those nice girls because you have nasty breath and yellow teeth? Risk getting some types of cancers and dying? If you are then I probably fill sorry for you. Yeah so this article was about getting into smoking by using nicotine-replacement-therapy options, in other words stepping up from the easiest to the hardest. So I wouldn’t wish lung cancer on my worst enemy. So what, you’ve read this far haven’t you? Well shame on you for reading about that. Of course this was all just for entertainment purposes and maybe you learned a little something along the way. And if you didn’t that’s just as well.

Until ‘Monday’