Monthly Archives: January 2012

by admin

The art of being lazy.

Whereas procrastination is the act of putting something off, laziness is the condition of not wanting to take action. Let’s face it; we don’t want to do work. We would rather just veg out in front of the TV. Laziness is a time-honored tradition, from the cave-man who just “didn’t feel like” making fire, to the husband/father who just wanted to sit on the couch and drink beer. Of course being lazy is easier said than done. Being lazy is an art, and great art takes practice.

A good place to start is by turning on the TV. Find a soap opera. Yes even if you are male, you need to find a soap opera. There’s nothing better for being lazy than watching your ‘stories’. I like sleeping because like procrastination you don’t even know it. When you wake up late from sleeping in you might as well do nothing for the rest of the day since it’s already dinner time. See that trash over there, let it pile up. I would suggest, however, that you tie up the garbage bag and get it ready to be taken out, then whenever you look at it you’ll think “I’ll do it later”. Plus the trash doesn’t stink as bad.

The best thing to remind you is to do it later, and when that time comes, think about it again. Laziness is the result of a failure to act on your obligations and goals. Don’t move around a lot, because getting moving might stop your laziness. Don’t break down larger projects into smaller tasks, sort of like what you’re not supposed to do for procrastination. A lot of things you use to procrastinate, you can also use to be lazy, like starting a project that’s so overwhelming you can’t think to do it.

Laziness is, therefore, the art of being passive when you know something should be done, because after all it can be done later right?

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

How to get fat fast!

So you want to feel what it’s like to be a whale. Or maybe you want your butt to have it’s own zip code. Maybe you want to experience what it’s like to be a glutton but there’s a lot of ways to gain weight. Sure, you can drink a lot of whole milk, but it has calcium; it has protein; it’s actually healthy for you. Eat lots of beef and it’s a lot of calories but it’s also a lot of protein. Protein can make you gain muscle. Fresh fruits contain a lot of fructose which is basically fruit sugar, but it also gives you vitamins like C, and the B’s. This isn’t normal weight gain you’re looking for. You’re looking for how to get fat FAST!

While it doesn’t look like a particularly quick method to get fat, sitting around or ‘the sedentary lifestyle’ means you’re not burning calories, and it adds up right quick. Don’t just sit around. *SIT AROUND*. Try to move as little as possible. Every little movement counts when it comes to burning calories. If you have to order something, do it with the phone or online. If you want to take a shower keep some baby wipes around you and just scrub your pits every once in a while. Just enough not to stink. Do everything by computer and TV. In fact use your computer in front of your TV.

Your body burns calories with extremities of hot and cold, however, if you’re hot you don’t really feel like working out because you’re already sweating. This alone won’t burn as much calories though as being cold and having to warm yourself up. What you want though instead of even being so hot you don’t exercise, is having the perfect temperature. Have a air-conditioner or heater and make sure your temp is in the “Goldilocks Zone” in other words not too hot and not too cold but just right. This will stop burning calories like nobody’s business.

Okay so let’s talk about food and drink. You want to consume massive liquid calories in the form of sodas and the like. Liquid calories is like liquid gold to the person wanting to get fat fast especially if the liquid gold is beer. Because it’s what it looks like, sort of golden well like some other golden liquids but we’ll just leave that to your imagination. What’s funny is it doesn’t even feel like getting fat. You will have to keep in mind that frequent trips to the bathroom may mitigate this to an extent. Any liquid refreshment that has high fructose corn syrup is what YOU want to drink. Basically it’s already broken down into a form your body can easily absorb. Other drinks you can use to get fat fast are, surprise-surprise, fruit juice! They put sugar in it, and it’s calories are almost as much as a soda if not more so. Iced Tea is a favorite because you have to put in tons of sugar to get it to taste good.

How about white refined bread? Or Doughnuts. Did you know the average doughnut has about 200 calories, but did you also know a decent orange has about the same amount of calories. Now if it were me, and I were you, and we were getting fat, I’d have to go with the doughnut. Not just because it’s the tastier of the two but you can have filled doughnuts, iced doughnuts, doughnuts dipped in chocolate, with sprinkles and heck you could combine all of those. Guess what, they’re not as nutritionally dense as oranges are, so that makes it better for fat making. Want to look like you’re having a baby even when you’re a man? Doughnuts.

Now we all know about pastas how they’re a lot of carbs especially white carbs, but in reality they’re not really that high in calories by their lonesome. What really makes you fat is fat. WHAT?!? You cry, how is that possible, fat making people fat. It’s true, take butter, whole milk, and cheese put them together with white pasta and you have a fat making machine. A nice plate of Fettuccini Alfredo will run you about 1500 calories give or take. That’s as many calories as some people do in their diets in the whole day. Of course there’s also the obvious things candy bars, cookies. Basically anything that doesn’t have a lot of nutrients and/or vitamins will pack on the pounds. We’re not talking pounds of muscle from protein, but we’re talking about fat.

Now let’s talk about a few non-perishable things that we can use to make us fat. Sleep. You need somewhere in the neighborhood of about 7-9 hours of sleep. If you get your sleep disrupted, this can screw up certain chemical processes in your body, thereby not burning calories as well as if you have a good nights rest. So my suggestion is of course to get as little sleep as you can possibly manage. While I’m not recommending missing sleep enough to cause hallucinations (although that would be wicked cool), I am recommending going to bed late and getting up early. You don’t want your body in tip-top shape in order to burn more calories.

Let’s also talk about stress. Here at ‘Monday’ we advocate a stress-free lifestyle, because anything that induces stress is probably work related. However in this case being that you want to become a tub’o’lard you might want more stress in your life. Basically stress increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is, well, I don’t know something to do with stress that makes you fat. I’m too lazy to look it up now, so why don’t you Google it. So when you have stresses like too many deadlines, too many people who want too much of your time, and so on, your cortisol levels go up and you get fat. (There’s something about triggering your body to transfer sugar from the liver and muscles into the bloodstream causing insulin levels to rise causing you to hold on to stubborn body fat, yada yada yada.)

Well I hope you’ve learned something here. I sure have. Getting fat is no easy task but with the right quantities of sleep deprivation, stress, non-nutritive foods, and not moving, you can get fat in no time!

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

The top 5 reasons to blow your wad.

And by wad I mean money. You know. A wad of cash. Let’s say you just got your tax refund, or Grandma just sent you a check. Sure you could save it, or spend it on something you need like bills, or groceries or a car payment, but what fun is that? You want to spend your money as fast as you got it. It’s literally burning a hole through your pocket as we speak.

So what are the 5 reasons you want to drop all that cash?

1) You’re trying to impress a girl. Nothing says I love you more than flowers, or candy, or diamonds. Especially diamonds. You’re telling her that, yes this is a big stash of cash, and yes I want to buy your love.

2) Pizzas don’t eat themselves. That’s right, in the U.S. there are hundreds of pizzas being made, and you could be eating as many as you can stuff into that fat face of yours. They’re there to be eaten. Yummy pizza crust (I don’t understand why some people won’t finish their pizza crust, arguably the best part of the pizza), melty mozzarella, enough garlic to kill an elephant if you were to breathe on it. It’s one of the most versatile foods on the planet. If you spend money on a lot of pizzas then you can have a party, and that brings us to reason 3.

3) You want to party. It’s especially great because you can incorporate the first two reasons pizza and girls with partying. But with parties comes the bucks. The music, the location, the beer, the hotties, the bare-knuckle brawls, and the illegal street racing!

4) Travel. Pure and simple, you want to see the world. Paris, Rome, The Alps (of many countries). Of course this gets dangerously close to spending money on something that’s worthwhile, as you can make new friends, learn new languages, and have new experiences, but may be still qualified as blowing your money.

5) Toys. Since I’m a man that writes this, as males we never seem to outgrow toys. They just get a bit more sophisticated. Home theatre systems, gaming computers, game consoles, remote control cars. Gotta love the toys. Even Legos are still fun and you can waste a lot of money playing with Legos as adults.

I could probably think of more, but maybe I’ll leave those for another day, and I don’t want to do too much work. Since “I’ll do it on Monday” is more about getting worse and worse, not better and better.

Until ‘Monday’