How to get fat fast!

So you want to feel what it’s like to be a whale. Or maybe you want your butt to have it’s own zip code. Maybe you want to experience what it’s like to be a glutton but there’s a lot of ways to gain weight. Sure, you can drink a lot of whole milk, but it has calcium; it has protein; it’s actually healthy for you. Eat lots of beef and it’s a lot of calories but it’s also a lot of protein. Protein can make you gain muscle. Fresh fruits contain a lot of fructose which is basically fruit sugar, but it also gives you vitamins like C, and the B’s. This isn’t normal weight gain you’re looking for. You’re looking for how to get fat FAST!

While it doesn’t look like a particularly quick method to get fat, sitting around or ‘the sedentary lifestyle’ means you’re not burning calories, and it adds up right quick. Don’t just sit around. *SIT AROUND*. Try to move as little as possible. Every little movement counts when it comes to burning calories. If you have to order something, do it with the phone or online. If you want to take a shower keep some baby wipes around you and just scrub your pits every once in a while. Just enough not to stink. Do everything by computer and TV. In fact use your computer in front of your TV.

Your body burns calories with extremities of hot and cold, however, if you’re hot you don’t really feel like working out because you’re already sweating. This alone won’t burn as much calories though as being cold and having to warm yourself up. What you want though instead of even being so hot you don’t exercise, is having the perfect temperature. Have a air-conditioner or heater and make sure your temp is in the “Goldilocks Zone” in other words not too hot and not too cold but just right. This will stop burning calories like nobody’s business.

Okay so let’s talk about food and drink. You want to consume massive liquid calories in the form of sodas and the like. Liquid calories is like liquid gold to the person wanting to get fat fast especially if the liquid gold is beer. Because it’s what it looks like, sort of golden well like some other golden liquids but we’ll just leave that to your imagination. What’s funny is it doesn’t even feel like getting fat. You will have to keep in mind that frequent trips to the bathroom may mitigate this to an extent. Any liquid refreshment that has high fructose corn syrup is what YOU want to drink. Basically it’s already broken down into a form your body can easily absorb. Other drinks you can use to get fat fast are, surprise-surprise, fruit juice! They put sugar in it, and it’s calories are almost as much as a soda if not more so. Iced Tea is a favorite because you have to put in tons of sugar to get it to taste good.

How about white refined bread? Or Doughnuts. Did you know the average doughnut has about 200 calories, but did you also know a decent orange has about the same amount of calories. Now if it were me, and I were you, and we were getting fat, I’d have to go with the doughnut. Not just because it’s the tastier of the two but you can have filled doughnuts, iced doughnuts, doughnuts dipped in chocolate, with sprinkles and heck you could combine all of those. Guess what, they’re not as nutritionally dense as oranges are, so that makes it better for fat making. Want to look like you’re having a baby even when you’re a man? Doughnuts.

Now we all know about pastas how they’re a lot of carbs especially white carbs, but in reality they’re not really that high in calories by their lonesome. What really makes you fat is fat. WHAT?!? You cry, how is that possible, fat making people fat. It’s true, take butter, whole milk, and cheese put them together with white pasta and you have a fat making machine. A nice plate of Fettuccini Alfredo will run you about 1500 calories give or take. That’s as many calories as some people do in their diets in the whole day. Of course there’s also the obvious things candy bars, cookies. Basically anything that doesn’t have a lot of nutrients and/or vitamins will pack on the pounds. We’re not talking pounds of muscle from protein, but we’re talking about fat.

Now let’s talk about a few non-perishable things that we can use to make us fat. Sleep. You need somewhere in the neighborhood of about 7-9 hours of sleep. If you get your sleep disrupted, this can screw up certain chemical processes in your body, thereby not burning calories as well as if you have a good nights rest. So my suggestion is of course to get as little sleep as you can possibly manage. While I’m not recommending missing sleep enough to cause hallucinations (although that would be wicked cool), I am recommending going to bed late and getting up early. You don’t want your body in tip-top shape in order to burn more calories.

Let’s also talk about stress. Here at ‘Monday’ we advocate a stress-free lifestyle, because anything that induces stress is probably work related. However in this case being that you want to become a tub’o’lard you might want more stress in your life. Basically stress increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is, well, I don’t know something to do with stress that makes you fat. I’m too lazy to look it up now, so why don’t you Google it. So when you have stresses like too many deadlines, too many people who want too much of your time, and so on, your cortisol levels go up and you get fat. (There’s something about triggering your body to transfer sugar from the liver and muscles into the bloodstream causing insulin levels to rise causing you to hold on to stubborn body fat, yada yada yada.)

Well I hope you’ve learned something here. I sure have. Getting fat is no easy task but with the right quantities of sleep deprivation, stress, non-nutritive foods, and not moving, you can get fat in no time!

Until ‘Monday’

Leave a Reply