Category Archives: Not Healthy / “UN” Fit

How to get fat.

by admin

Hurt The Ones You Love By Telling Them The Truth.

Lies can be a real problem. You tell one lie, and sometimes it leads to another and another until things come crashing down on you. For instance, if you lie about an affair, and then you get into the habit of lying eventually it will catch up to you. Lies are usually related to something bad we did to someone that we really don’t want them to know about. On the other hand some lies can be said to protect ones we love.

For instance telling someone his son died like a hero, when in truth he was running away from the enemy and ended up getting shot in the back. Or to protect some dark secret of the past, like your mother was a serial killer but now she’s dead, so maybe they don’t want to tell you that they found out your mother was a serial killer.

Also by the same token the truth could set your mind at rest, maybe you’re great grandfather didn’t turn tail and run at the Battle of Bull Run. Your Great Uncle on your Mother’s side was really a war hero because instead of running away like they thought he did he went to some location in France to save a nun and some orphans. Truth can also be used to hurt people. For instance your brother’s affair with your cousin’s second wife. I think the truth can be used to great effect as a weapon.

Did your Aunt gift you 100k to start a business and then turn around and get a lawyer to make you pay back the “loan”? Tell everyone she was cheating on your Uncle with her tennis instructor. Girlfriend decided to cheat on you? Tell her the $1500 rock you had bought to propose to her went to one of your ex’s. Did your brother tell everyone you cry during chick-flicks? Tell them how you caught him so drunk that he was in his underwear with pantyhose over his face and head and was crowing like a rooster.

See the truth can set you free, or rather it can really hurt the ones you love. Tell your sister how fat she is because she keeps stuffing her face with doughnuts. Or your cousin how much of a nerd he is and that’s the reason he’ll never date anything remotely female. This may all be true but still hurt your friends and family.

If there’s a truth to be told, you’re obligated to tell that truth no matter how scathing. That’s how we roll here at ‘Monday’. So stop reading you four-eyed freak and go get some real friends instead of chatting in IRC! Oh I guess I better take that suggestion myself.

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

5 Ways to Start Forest Fires

There are many reasons people start forest fires. Maybe yours is that you wanted to get warm? Or maybe you’re mad at the park ranger for stealing all of your pik-a-nik baskets? The Sherriff of Nottingham caught you poaching deer in the King’s Private Reserve? A pox on that sheriff and Prince John! Bring back Richard the Lion Heart or I burn down ye olde forest! Maybe you were lonely and thought angry firemen were better than nothing at all?

Disclaimer: Don’t start fires. You have been disclaimed.

In any case here are five ways to start forest fires:

  1. Let’s see, smoking. Go read my article on starting smoking using nicotine replacement options. This will get you well on your way, and you can conveniently “lose” the cigarette deep in the forest. Before you know it wildlife is threatened, and half the forest is burned down before they even know it was you who set it. No matter if you will end up going to jail when they match the cigarette butt to your particular brand of filtered cigarettes.
  2. Another one might be attributed to not properly putting out your campfire. When wind blows sparks to combustible vegetation that will sometimes cause a forest fire. Place combustible materials like gas close to campfires so you can easily start a forest fire if you need to.
  3. Let’s see. A careless match could start a forest fire. Simply light it and casually fling it into the forest, and boom you got instant forest fire! Sparks from faulty equipment say, a generator?
  4. What about deliberate fire starting. That’s right arson has its place too. Well not in any normal, legal, and ethical society. I’m just saying, if you want to start a fire directly you can just do it. Light a match fling it in the forest. Light a piece of wood, tie it to a cat’s tail and watch it run away screaming through the forest, you’ll have a nice blaze in no time.
  5. Of course you may bring the park rangers down on your head or the police, fire crews, and any number of authoritative figures down on your head. Do you want to face death or a prison sentence? Then starting a fire is for you!

I hope you’ve learned a little about starting forest fires.

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

Less Effective Strength Training

I know you don’t want to get strong. Why? Because you’re reading this article. In fact you want to use this as an excuse to quit strength training altogether. But you can’t just stop; you want to look like you’re still doing it. So here are some tips on less effect strength training. It will make you weaker and thereby prove to everyone that lifting weights does not work!

Never stretch. If you stretch you make your muscles flexible, and then you won’t pull anything. You want to pull something to give you an excuse not to workout. And forget warm-ups. You want to just go for it.

Don’t worry about form. Instead focus on adding weights as much and as fast as possible. Hey you may tear or damage something and may be hobbled for a while, but at least you won’t really be able to lift weights. In fact if you do damage yourself you can use that as rest time to avoid doing any real lifting.

Don’t make it heavy. Making it heavy creates stress which tears the muscle which causes it to heal itself and build more muscle. We don’t want to make more muscle, we want to do less. So go really light. Lots of reps and few sets. Until you get tired, which may be after the first set in which case you’re pretty darn out of shape.

Never go to sites like StrongLifts.com or Bodybuilding.com. They have tons of different techniques and workouts and you don’t really want to build strength or even look big. You just want to pretend to do so, so you can brag that you can bench 200 or some other ludicrous number you can’t even look at without seating.

Always go for size. You want to look good probably. So go for whatever will pump you up. Just don’t expect to be strong too. We don’t need to be strong, we just need to look like we’ve got balloons attached to our arms and couldn’t clap our hands if we wanted to. The best we can do is to look like a drunken sea lion.

Okay I’ll just stop at five, because I’m lazy. I mean this is ‘Monday’ after all. Why do I need to put myself through more torture?

Until ‘Monday’