I know you don’t want to get strong. Why? Because you’re reading this article. In fact you want to use this as an excuse to quit strength training altogether. But you can’t just stop; you want to look like you’re still doing it. So here are some tips on less effect strength training. It will make you weaker and thereby prove to everyone that lifting weights does not work!
Never stretch. If you stretch you make your muscles flexible, and then you won’t pull anything. You want to pull something to give you an excuse not to workout. And forget warm-ups. You want to just go for it.
Don’t worry about form. Instead focus on adding weights as much and as fast as possible. Hey you may tear or damage something and may be hobbled for a while, but at least you won’t really be able to lift weights. In fact if you do damage yourself you can use that as rest time to avoid doing any real lifting.
Don’t make it heavy. Making it heavy creates stress which tears the muscle which causes it to heal itself and build more muscle. We don’t want to make more muscle, we want to do less. So go really light. Lots of reps and few sets. Until you get tired, which may be after the first set in which case you’re pretty darn out of shape.
Never go to sites like StrongLifts.com or Bodybuilding.com. They have tons of different techniques and workouts and you don’t really want to build strength or even look big. You just want to pretend to do so, so you can brag that you can bench 200 or some other ludicrous number you can’t even look at without seating.
Always go for size. You want to look good probably. So go for whatever will pump you up. Just don’t expect to be strong too. We don’t need to be strong, we just need to look like we’ve got balloons attached to our arms and couldn’t clap our hands if we wanted to. The best we can do is to look like a drunken sea lion.
Okay I’ll just stop at five, because I’m lazy. I mean this is ‘Monday’ after all. Why do I need to put myself through more torture?