Cleaning is for wimps.

Today I’m going to teach you how to be dirty. Okay not personal hygiene but your home. Why? Because cleaning takes too darn long. Wouldn’t you rather focus your time on something worth while, like doing nothing? I know I would. So here are some tips on being efficient in not cleaning.

In a previous article I mentioned tying up a garbage bag and leaving it. So that’s one of the things you can do. You can leave it until it starts stinking, in which case that would be the later time to do it. If it doesn’t stink you don’t need to worry about it, as you can do it later.

I would say you probably don’t need to do any vacuuming at all. Chiefly because you can’t really see it. Make sure you have a dark carpet so that the only things that show up are light things (such as brightly colored candy or popcorn). Every once in a while should you choose you can pick it up and throw it away.

Dust adds a certain air of prestige, if-you-will, like a museum. Even if it only takes a few days to accumulate the dust it will make everything look as though it was ancient. Like Charlie Brown once said: “Don’t think of it as dust. Think of it as maybe the soil of some great past civilization. Maybe the soil of ancient Babylon. It staggers the imagination. He may be carrying soil that was trod upon by Solomon, or even Nebuchadnezzar.” So be proud if you have dust that collects on everything.

There’s only one thing I have to say about cleaning the toilet. Light a match. ‘Nuff said.

Here’s one tip that might actually help you to clean up even though it’s not meant to. When you have any loose pieces of paper, crumple them up and attempt to “Shoot a basket” into the garbage. While this does actually help clean up, if you’re really bad you’ll just have a bunch of crumpled up pieces of paper around the garbage. This is mostly meant to be fun but if you manage to throw away some paper, so be it. You can always take it out later. Way, way, later.

I have a suggestion about that clothes basket. After you wash and dry the clothes (and assuming you actually do that at all), instead of folding them and putting them away, why not leave them in the clothes basket. Get clean clothes from the basket, and toss the dirty ones on the floor. This saves you some time because when you fold clothes and put them away, you’re only taking them out to wear them again, so save yourself the trouble.

Sometimes you might want to have company over and would think it’s the perfect time to do some actual cleaning. I say it’s the perfect time to pretend you’re doing some cleaning. Why not stack stuff in corners and pile junk into closets and under beds. You don’t have to do a lot to make it look like you are at least paying a little attention to the mess. Plus if you’re a guy you can make the excuse that you’re a guy and cleaning house isn’t in your genes.

You know used pizza boxes can be made into targets with a little bit of marker magic and a dart gun. Then you can play target shooting from your couch. No need to throw them away as you can play this game over and over. (And you will play it over and over since you have nothing better to do other than watch TV which you’ve probably watched so much of that about now you’re making waste-paper basket shots.)

The dishes are easy to take care of. Give a set of dishes to every member of the family so that they don’t actually have to wash the dishes, you can just use them over and over again. At least until they get so gunked up with food that you can only use them for skeet shooting.

Well I hope I’ve given you some advice for putting off cleaning. Maybe later I’ll show you even more great tips on how not to clean.

Until ‘Monday’

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