7 Ways to Slow Down Your Friend’s Computer!

Your friend has just bought himself a brand spanking new top of the line computer, and you’re jealous because all you have is a 2-year-old machine that’s not playing your games at a good frame rate. You don’t have any money, and your parents won’t buy you a new computer. So what’s the next best thing to a new computer? Slowing down your friend’s new computer. That’s right; it’s no fair that he worked hard to save up his money to build himself a state-of-the-art machine. If he was a real friend he would have bought you a computer too.

So how do we go about slowing down his computer?

  1. Install as many programs as possible, especially programs he won’t need. The more disk space is used up the better. I read somewhere that for a computer to run optimally you need about 20% free, however, since we’re doing the exact opposite, have less than 20% free.
  2. Hide or uninstall any disk cleanup programs. CCleaner, Defragmenters, registry cleaners, and the like. If he can’t cleanup his hard disk then that can lead to a slower computer. Especially if it has to load a lot of programs.
  3. If you don’t wish to install a lot of programs at least, copy really huge files to the hard drive. Delete them and then copy more large files, also move file locations around. See usually when we delete files, it’s not really deleted they’re just marked for deletion. With repeated copying, moving, and deleting sometimes there are file fragments left behind, this eventually starts mucking with how fast the hard drive can be accessed
  4. Make sure you don’t update the drivers or his OS system files. Updates are usually meant to make a computer faster or fix some bug. If you don’t have the latest updates then the computer can’t run optimally.
  5. Under clock his CPU and graphics card. Over clocking has been a favorite pastime of geeks everywhere. Basically changing voltages and setting clock multipliers to make the computer run faster than it’s rated at. So if you can do it, try to turn the settings down, so that it runs even SLOWER than it’s supposed to normally. Although take heed you don’t kill his computer entirely, sometimes if it’s too slow it can’t do certain operations and has problems. Remember the object is to slow down his computer, not stop him from using it.
  6. Secretly downgrade his operating system. Most newer operating systems are built to use the newest stuff to be the fastest. If you’re using an older operating system you can’t use all the newest features of the current hardware.
  7. Make sure all visual effects for your operating system are turned on. Animations and effects really slow down your computer, so if you’re trying to slow down his, try to get the OS to do as much cool stuff as it can.

If you use these 7 tips you’re likely to slow down his computer and you can then laugh at him for having a slower computer than you. Even better is the fact that his new computer which should be faster actually isn’t.

Until ‘Monday’

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