Category Archives: Not Healthy / “UN” Fit

How to get fat.

by admin

Demotivate Yourself!

Demotivate yourself! Feel apathetic, lethargic, and generally like not doing anything.

If motivation is the act of getting motivated meaning to prompt to action, then demotivation is the act of stopping action. We at ‘Monday’ strive not to be motivated to do anything. We want to become lazy and slothful. Anything that gets you moving either mentally or physically is against the whole idea of ‘I’ll do it on Monday’. Motivation can make you do stuff to be productive, to have fun, or do something meaningful. Since we’re against that, we like to propose some tips on demotivating yourself.

Don’t listen to music. Music is both motivational and inspirational, especially music you like. If you have to listen to music make sure it’s something that you hate, maybe country music or rap. (No disrespect to those who like country music and/or rap music, but these are the most commonly disliked forms of music.) Also if you have to listen to music make sure to pick a song that slow, even if you like it. In most cases the slow songs we like don’t really tend to motivate, but more to make us feel a certain way. So firstly music you hate, and secondly slow music you like.

Don’t get up and move. The word motive and move come from the same roots. Motive is motion. Don’t exercise. Just lie around the house and watch TV. While this not an article about making yourself depressed, watch TV and in particular the news (in fact that’s a good time waster, but you can read more about that in another article entitled “Waste your time for fun and profit”. There’s nothing more depressing than the news all the killings, fires, and other crimes. This will also demotivate you at the same time as it depresses you.

Pick a huge project and don’t break it into smaller steps. This is the same as you do with procrastination, but it’s also a good demotivator. With a huge project so overwhelming you can’t possibly do it, nothing can demotivate you faster than a project you can’t overcome. Make it something completely hard or that wastes a lot of time. Math for example. I almost didn’t graduate high school because of Math homework. Doing long division is pretty good at demotivating. Writing articles that you don’t want to on a subject that bores you.

Make sure whatever you do to waste time or be lazy is not fun at all. That’s right the less fun you have the less it motivates you to continue it. You can waste time with something fun, but if it’s not fun it will surely demotivate you. Nothing motivates better than something fun, and something that makes you move combined with something fun, say skiing is a no-no here on ‘Monday’. Don’t do it, or else you will be having fun and maybe being productive.

Lastly stay up late and wake up late. If you go to bed past midnight, you’ll probably wake up late and not feel that motivated to do anything. Then you can actually just lie in bed until it gets too late. Being hung over will help with that. If you partied too hard last night and you have a hangover this morning then you definitely will feel unmotivated.

There are probably more ways to demotivate yourself but I don’t feel motivated to find them. In fact I’m going to probably go and waste some time now and be otherwise unproductive.

Until ‘Monday’.

by admin

7 Ways to Degrade Your Memory

I realize that most people want to improve memory and increase recall. Here at ‘Monday’ we believe the cons outweigh the pros in improving memory. If you can remember stuff better you might be called on to remember dates, and places, and what not. This means responsibility, and here on ‘Monday’ we want to be irresponsible. Guys tend to forget dates their girlfriends want them to remember, however, we don’t really forget, it’s more like we don’t really want to remember. I mean think about it, you have to buy presents on significant days.

We don’t really like spending all that much, so we like to “forget” that we have to take our dates on that Valentine’s dinner. (Not entirely true, maybe it’s the one day we Men might want to remember for certain reasons, but we’re not discussing Valentine’s here.) Remember to pick up these groceries, remember your daughter’s dance recital, etc. If you improve your memory then you have to use it. If not, then you can just say “I forget” and that covers a multitude of sins.

So how can we degrade our memory so we really do forget? You know ignorance is bliss, and forgetfulness sublime, you can’t make the appointment, if you can’t remember the time.

  1. Don’t exercise. Basically exercise gives more oxygen to the brain and enhances brain chemistry. It also protects you from risk of disorders that lead to memory loss. If you want to degrade your memory then become a fat slob!
  2. Don’t sleep too much. Sleep helps our brain processes, it files information away, and it repairs damage to cells. Sleep deprivation however decreases our capacity to think and keeps all that info floating around in there. You may not want to stay awake so much you start hallucinating, but maybe you want to lose some sleep so your memory stays bad.
  3. Drink. A lot. Drinking a lot of Alcoholic beverages is a speedy way to memory loss. Ever go on a drunken binge and wake up the next day without remember what happened last night. A lot of alcohol really impairs the brain. So have fun getting drunk (except from what I hear it’s not that fun as you throw up a lot and feel lousy the next day).
  4. Depress yourself. Okay so any stress increases cortisol levels in the body and brain causing you to get fat, and causing your brain to function less. Prolonged depression inhibits the brains ability to remember anything new. So stress yourself out, depress yourself, think sad thoughts, and soon your memory won’t be doing anyone any good.
  5. De-visualize and disassociate. Basically if you visualize some imagery and associate it with some event it will help you remember it better. So my suggestion is to make sure you don’t actively think about what you have to remember; forcibly forgetting something by not associating anything in memory or visualizing anything about it. Let it go in one ear and out the other.
  6. Don’t pay attention. 8 seconds is long enough to transfer an item from short-term memory to long-term memory. When you pay attention you’re more likely to remember it later. So really don’t pay attention to anything or anybody because then you can tell them “Sorry I must have not been paying attention.” Basically don’t focus on anything and you won’t remember anything
  7. Don’t break up numbers. There’s this thing called chunking, where we remember groups, or chunks, of numbers. You usually do this for a phone number with an area code. It’s easier to remember three short sets of numbers than one long one. Don’t do any chunking you won’t remember it.

This is just 7 tips. There are many more, but I will leave them for another article. So remember, or rather forget, not to pay attention to anything and don’t associate anything with stuff you have to remember. Don’t exercise, or sleep much either.

Until ‘Monday’

by admin

How to get fat fast!

So you want to feel what it’s like to be a whale. Or maybe you want your butt to have it’s own zip code. Maybe you want to experience what it’s like to be a glutton but there’s a lot of ways to gain weight. Sure, you can drink a lot of whole milk, but it has calcium; it has protein; it’s actually healthy for you. Eat lots of beef and it’s a lot of calories but it’s also a lot of protein. Protein can make you gain muscle. Fresh fruits contain a lot of fructose which is basically fruit sugar, but it also gives you vitamins like C, and the B’s. This isn’t normal weight gain you’re looking for. You’re looking for how to get fat FAST!

While it doesn’t look like a particularly quick method to get fat, sitting around or ‘the sedentary lifestyle’ means you’re not burning calories, and it adds up right quick. Don’t just sit around. *SIT AROUND*. Try to move as little as possible. Every little movement counts when it comes to burning calories. If you have to order something, do it with the phone or online. If you want to take a shower keep some baby wipes around you and just scrub your pits every once in a while. Just enough not to stink. Do everything by computer and TV. In fact use your computer in front of your TV.

Your body burns calories with extremities of hot and cold, however, if you’re hot you don’t really feel like working out because you’re already sweating. This alone won’t burn as much calories though as being cold and having to warm yourself up. What you want though instead of even being so hot you don’t exercise, is having the perfect temperature. Have a air-conditioner or heater and make sure your temp is in the “Goldilocks Zone” in other words not too hot and not too cold but just right. This will stop burning calories like nobody’s business.

Okay so let’s talk about food and drink. You want to consume massive liquid calories in the form of sodas and the like. Liquid calories is like liquid gold to the person wanting to get fat fast especially if the liquid gold is beer. Because it’s what it looks like, sort of golden well like some other golden liquids but we’ll just leave that to your imagination. What’s funny is it doesn’t even feel like getting fat. You will have to keep in mind that frequent trips to the bathroom may mitigate this to an extent. Any liquid refreshment that has high fructose corn syrup is what YOU want to drink. Basically it’s already broken down into a form your body can easily absorb. Other drinks you can use to get fat fast are, surprise-surprise, fruit juice! They put sugar in it, and it’s calories are almost as much as a soda if not more so. Iced Tea is a favorite because you have to put in tons of sugar to get it to taste good.

How about white refined bread? Or Doughnuts. Did you know the average doughnut has about 200 calories, but did you also know a decent orange has about the same amount of calories. Now if it were me, and I were you, and we were getting fat, I’d have to go with the doughnut. Not just because it’s the tastier of the two but you can have filled doughnuts, iced doughnuts, doughnuts dipped in chocolate, with sprinkles and heck you could combine all of those. Guess what, they’re not as nutritionally dense as oranges are, so that makes it better for fat making. Want to look like you’re having a baby even when you’re a man? Doughnuts.

Now we all know about pastas how they’re a lot of carbs especially white carbs, but in reality they’re not really that high in calories by their lonesome. What really makes you fat is fat. WHAT?!? You cry, how is that possible, fat making people fat. It’s true, take butter, whole milk, and cheese put them together with white pasta and you have a fat making machine. A nice plate of Fettuccini Alfredo will run you about 1500 calories give or take. That’s as many calories as some people do in their diets in the whole day. Of course there’s also the obvious things candy bars, cookies. Basically anything that doesn’t have a lot of nutrients and/or vitamins will pack on the pounds. We’re not talking pounds of muscle from protein, but we’re talking about fat.

Now let’s talk about a few non-perishable things that we can use to make us fat. Sleep. You need somewhere in the neighborhood of about 7-9 hours of sleep. If you get your sleep disrupted, this can screw up certain chemical processes in your body, thereby not burning calories as well as if you have a good nights rest. So my suggestion is of course to get as little sleep as you can possibly manage. While I’m not recommending missing sleep enough to cause hallucinations (although that would be wicked cool), I am recommending going to bed late and getting up early. You don’t want your body in tip-top shape in order to burn more calories.

Let’s also talk about stress. Here at ‘Monday’ we advocate a stress-free lifestyle, because anything that induces stress is probably work related. However in this case being that you want to become a tub’o’lard you might want more stress in your life. Basically stress increases cortisol levels. Cortisol is, well, I don’t know something to do with stress that makes you fat. I’m too lazy to look it up now, so why don’t you Google it. So when you have stresses like too many deadlines, too many people who want too much of your time, and so on, your cortisol levels go up and you get fat. (There’s something about triggering your body to transfer sugar from the liver and muscles into the bloodstream causing insulin levels to rise causing you to hold on to stubborn body fat, yada yada yada.)

Well I hope you’ve learned something here. I sure have. Getting fat is no easy task but with the right quantities of sleep deprivation, stress, non-nutritive foods, and not moving, you can get fat in no time!

Until ‘Monday’